I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You dont lie about slip and slides
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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