I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
