Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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