I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
