we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
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My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
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Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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