My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
