a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
My penis needs a shock collar
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
