I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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