don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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