Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
