I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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