I wish they made helmets for livers.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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