I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
