On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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