I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
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I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
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Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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