apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Of course I have a pirate flag
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
