I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
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