you didnt know i had herpes?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
