We won't sleep together?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Randomize
