Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom said you looked used
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize