I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
