apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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