I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
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Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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