I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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