Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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