My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
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