How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
