if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
