By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
