I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
