is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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