I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Fuck appropriateness.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
