I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
