once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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