Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
