dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
