Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
