jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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