Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
