I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
