i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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