Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
