It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
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Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
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Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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