Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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