Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
