I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
