No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
