i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
