I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
