when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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