Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
