don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
