wat bout pragnant strippers??
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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