things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
