It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
